主要开道路

主要开道路 在旷野无路之处 虽未看见 他已看顾 他要为我开道路
他是我依靠 领我靠近他怀抱 爱和力量 日日帮助 他要开道路 他要开道路!

最近很多事情发生，很多不速之客跳进我的生活，很多预料之外的事情发生，但我知道上帝从来没有放弃过我。我一向不是个很虔诚的基督徒，可能曾经蛮热心教会，不过现在... 我不太爱到处宣扬我是基督徒，重来没有特地活出基督的样式，但至少我知道什么该做什么不该做。我的座右铭是：做回自己！不要伪装！开心就开心，不开心就发泄！我一向很少宣扬上帝的恩典，但我知道他真的很爱我，从来不会放弃我！

最近真的被逼到块崩溃了，事情总不会像我所要的发生。两个男生，一个是我很爱的，一个是很爱我的，当要二选一时，你会如何选？

我向上帝哭求要那个不速之客离开我的世界，结果他却一直不放过我，逼着要我留下。上帝说，‘他要开道路！’那天我在教会哭得很惨。我以为上帝没有听到，其实他有在垂听，他知道我很痛，他知道我很累。

当然，我只爱国！只是经过这些事情之后他已经不再爱我了，他要我放手，他爱上别人了。他是我的重心，是我的核心，重心了要怎样活？心脏死了还能活吗？他就这样离开我了。结果我两天吃不下东西，我问上帝：‘为什么这样？’他说，‘他要开道路！’

对！他会开道路！他会给我最好的！并不是因为我有什么特别好，是因为在上帝眼里我是特别的,因为我是他创造的！

其实期间我也发现我做了很多不对的事：
1。没有爱惜自己的身体-上帝说身体是他的殿，要爱惜身体，我居然不吃东西让自己胃痛
2。有自杀的念头-上帝说不可轻生，在思想上犯罪也算犯罪，我居然明知自己不能捐血还闹要捐血
3。怀疑上帝-上帝有自己的时间，他总会把事情放在最恰当的时间发生，不要怀疑，要耐心等待
4。定睛在人-上帝说人会让人跌倒，人会让人失去信心。当定睛仰望上帝！我不该把信心专注在国身上

愿上帝饶恕，带领我走他的路。

You said you should've accepted me while we was form 2, we should've started long time ago.
You said you were so regret for not started with me earlier so that I need not to go through so many things..
Yet dumped me like others, you are just like the others. No different!

I am so stupid,
I shouldn't hope for miracle happen
I should've know we are world apart
the prince should be with princess, not me

Adelaide Chong, Please wake up!!!~!

Again, he said he doesn't love me anymore. I should've knew it, I shouldn't hope for any miracle to happen. Miracle won't happen. Fairy tales will not happen on me, prince should be with the princess and I am not the princess.

Looking at the picture of the guy I love...perhaps I love him too much. He told me he doesn't like comparing yet I keep repeating the same mistake, actually I really hope one day he will hug me and tell me he loves me more than I love him...

He told me his love for me had changed, more doubts and pressure contained. I was totally blank after I got this message. This message keep spining and spining in my mind, makes me felt so blur and so stress. It makes me unable to control my anger and my reaction...I can't think at all... I was keep believing we still have chance, we still have hope, but now you tell me you don't love me anymore...

Anyway, I am still alive as usual. Haven't really do anything to hurt myself...( I guess I won't this time, at least I stil can eat). Although feel so empty inside, like the support in me has lost, but I still alive don't I? Pretend to be good, pretend to be fine...thats all I can do...

Perhaps I need a break.

12nd Nov 2010

Another day fills with doubts and questions. I really wish to get myself a new brain that will not ask 'why'... Perhaps thats my problem, I should correct myself rather than blaming others.

Anyway, I had an exciting morning whereby quarrel with 2 guys at once. I wonder how i made it.. This 2 fella...Mr A tell me stop contacting with Mr B, Mr B scolded me for why still contacting with Mr B...faint~~ I told my friend: If one day later I got psycho, it's because of these two guys... they have to take responsible on it.

These 2 guys affected my whole day mood and caused me forgot all the formulaes for the exam... luckily calculation is just a minor part of the paper...

My Prince

About my prince- Ivan

• Love spicy food, but his head will be itchy after eat too much spicy things.
• Hate liars and betrayers. Don't like me to keep anything for myself and not sharing with him. Want me always share everything with him. He wants to be the first one who knows if any good or bad things happen on me.
• Rarely give promises. He will try his best to do whatever he promised. Although until now he still owe me alot of things... erm.. eg. Bukit Tinggi, Pulau Ketam, Pavilion's GSC, the Shah Alam's botanic garden (don't really rmb it's name), Genting, Fullhouse...too many..
• Don't like fine dining. He prefer somewhere allow him to talk and act normal instead of those high class place.
• Have sensitive nose. Especially on perfume. So I only can put light perfume when I go out with him.
• Don't like to eat medicine. Dont eat when sick.. Must force him to eat meals n medicine on time.
• Don't like people disturb him when he really stressed out. He will not answer your calls or even decline your calls. And will not reply your message too.
• He will think alot or jealous, although he won't tell you or admit that he jealous, but you can see from his face expression.
• He will feel very happy if anyone buy something for him or remember his birthday. He doesn't like to tell people his birthday yet want people to remember it. What a weird guy...but I love him alot!!!
• Don't like to let others to know where he stays, don't like to tell people too much about himself.

11 nov

Went out with Ivan today, really wish to hold his hand and hug him as usual...but I can't, he didn't allowed me to do so, that time only I realised we had broke up... Suddenly wake up from dream...

He told me he do love me twice after the break up yet don't know why I am still doubting myself. I am not good enough to be his gf.

Today he told me about Susan, he was so down this few days because of her. I was quite upset after I know about that..suddenly feel so hopeless...can we continue? Is there any hope for us to move on? Does he loves me?

Hug him before i go back home, he seems so scared...keep asking am i ok...actually I am not, you should know that, I AM NOT GOOD!!! You can see it, you can feel it, I know you can...