Looking at the picture of the guy I love...perhaps I love him too much. He told me he doesn't like comparing yet I keep repeating the same mistake, actually I really hope one day he will hug me and tell me he loves me more than I love him...

He told me his love for me had changed, more doubts and pressure contained. I was totally blank after I got this message. This message keep spining and spining in my mind, makes me felt so blur and so stress. It makes me unable to control my anger and my reaction...I can't think at all... I was keep believing we still have chance, we still have hope, but now you tell me you don't love me anymore...

Anyway, I am still alive as usual. Haven't really do anything to hurt myself...( I guess I won't this time, at least I stil can eat). Although feel so empty inside, like the support in me has lost, but I still alive don't I? Pretend to be good, pretend to be fine...thats all I can do...

Perhaps I need a break.

12nd Nov 2010

Another day fills with doubts and questions. I really wish to get myself a new brain that will not ask 'why'... Perhaps thats my problem, I should correct myself rather than blaming others.

Anyway, I had an exciting morning whereby quarrel with 2 guys at once. I wonder how i made it.. This 2 fella...Mr A tell me stop contacting with Mr B, Mr B scolded me for why still contacting with Mr B...faint~~ I told my friend: If one day later I got psycho, it's because of these two guys... they have to take responsible on it.

These 2 guys affected my whole day mood and caused me forgot all the formulaes for the exam... luckily calculation is just a minor part of the paper...

My Prince

About my prince- Ivan

• Love spicy food, but his head will be itchy after eat too much spicy things.
• Hate liars and betrayers. Don't like me to keep anything for myself and not sharing with him. Want me always share everything with him. He wants to be the first one who knows if any good or bad things happen on me.
• Rarely give promises. He will try his best to do whatever he promised. Although until now he still owe me alot of things... erm.. eg. Bukit Tinggi, Pulau Ketam, Pavilion's GSC, the Shah Alam's botanic garden (don't really rmb it's name), Genting, Fullhouse...too many..
• Don't like fine dining. He prefer somewhere allow him to talk and act normal instead of those high class place.
• Have sensitive nose. Especially on perfume. So I only can put light perfume when I go out with him.
• Don't like to eat medicine. Dont eat when sick.. Must force him to eat meals n medicine on time.
• Don't like people disturb him when he really stressed out. He will not answer your calls or even decline your calls. And will not reply your message too.
• He will think alot or jealous, although he won't tell you or admit that he jealous, but you can see from his face expression.
• He will feel very happy if anyone buy something for him or remember his birthday. He doesn't like to tell people his birthday yet want people to remember it. What a weird guy...but I love him alot!!!
• Don't like to let others to know where he stays, don't like to tell people too much about himself.

11 nov

Went out with Ivan today, really wish to hold his hand and hug him as usual...but I can't, he didn't allowed me to do so, that time only I realised we had broke up... Suddenly wake up from dream...

He told me he do love me twice after the break up yet don't know why I am still doubting myself. I am not good enough to be his gf.

Today he told me about Susan, he was so down this few days because of her. I was quite upset after I know about that..suddenly feel so hopeless...can we continue? Is there any hope for us to move on? Does he loves me?

Hug him before i go back home, he seems so scared...keep asking am i ok...actually I am not, you should know that, I AM NOT GOOD!!! You can see it, you can feel it, I know you can...