19.12.2015

公司里一对情侣要迈入人生新旅程--结婚了，最近收到类似的消息有点多，我开始也紧张起来了其实。紧张在于当这种事情发生在我身上的时候应该如何反应，开始会幻想会仲景于类似的场景，同时会担心最后得不偿失一直自己漂流着。我其实很怕，是年龄大了吗？是想突破现在的局面吗？是没有安全感吗？我不知道。

我不敢跟别人说，不敢是因为怕别人觉得我恨嫁，不敢是在于爱面子，不敢是在于怕失去。氧气哥哥说过，他以前有一个女朋友就是催婚把他吓跑了，我很怕同样的事情重复在我身上。我其实忽然时常会回想回去当时候如果就答应他了现在又会怎样，经常患得患失的。最近做了很多回想的事情，是我以前不会做的，这算是一种成熟的表现吗？

我有我的高冷，骂人时不带情绪不带表情更不带脏字；我有我的调皮，会撒野会撒泼更会撒娇。但作为一名专业的张三，要学会处理问题处理事情更要学会处理人的情绪，心理素质很重要，尤其是在还息日。这是我最近领会到的一样很重要的事情，张三不容易，加油了！

28.11.2015

生活里面很多神奇的事情，只要怀着感恩的心，奇迹就会不间断地出现…其实我们每一个呼吸都是奇迹不是么？

我跟氧气哥哥好像好上了，“好像”是因为对他来说算了，可是又好像不算的样子，我这边一直保持不温不热的状态。我今年生日是加班中度过的，他也在加班，和叶总一起。后来晚上我们仨一块儿吃饭给我过生日。我其实很好奇叶总为什么不会怀疑我们俩的关系，因为氧气哥哥知道我太多的习惯了，氧气哥哥知道我的夜盲症，知道我那天生日，在外人看来是有点奇怪不是么？氧气哥哥给我送了一个保温杯，说发现我的杯子不保温，女生不能老是喝冷水，尤其是冬天的时候。我其实觉得他挺有意思的，他在别人面前总是一副吊儿郎当的样子，可在我面前却很细心，很多事情他都会想的很周全，甚至会记得我的生理期，记得我所有习惯。我有时候会闹脾气，他会让我有脾气就别憋着，不让我生气自己出去乱跑，在他看来我这样憋着会生病的。其实他有时候挺强势的，要我听他的比较多，然后总是各种想着怎样把我喂胖，怎样把我宠坏，怎样给我买买买，每次见到他就要带我逛街给我买顶帽子（他说我冬天那顶帽子太丑了），要给我买个包（每次出差我就拿那一个包他看腻了），给我买裙子（他喜欢看我穿裙子），不然就带我去这里去那里吃饭…我经常觉得我不能欠他那么多，不让他给我买东西，不让他给我付钱，装作啥都看不上的。他身边的几个最好的朋友都知道我，我本来以为上次大家去响水涧玩之后就不会再提起我的，不过不知道为什么他们还是会聊起我，连之前有一个没见过我的都知道关于我的事情，貌似他们朋友之间已经认可我了，我算是在他身边时间最长的一个女生了吧？至少听他说的是这样的，他以前的女生从认识到交往到分开的都不超过3个月，他说这是双子座的个性，不能在一棵树上吊死。我们算算都10个月了吧？他是不是该腻了呢？可为什么到现在还是每次去那儿出差他都要各种腻着我呢？他说这是很爱的表现，他说他们双子就是会败给天蝎，他说叶总夫人也是天蝎的，名字跟我也很像，叫张抒鸿。

4.10.2015

You posted another confession on your wall, I knew I shouldn't doubt as you don't like it, but my brain just can't stop spinning and I still believe that it wasn't for me, we weren't chatting boy, if it was for me, you'll sent to me before sharing it out, perhaps I can't judge your action based on my practice...

You told me it was for me, trust or doubting? I wonder

2015.10.1

Oxygen proposed, although we had never started, I didn't knew he would do that for me honestly and I didn't knew how to reply. Squid asked me what is the intention for his action, we both don't really know each other, and this action is honestly irrational, perhaps I should call it insane in this case. He doubted on the proposal actually, he told his mom regarding our dates on that few days, his mom asked him how does he feels about me, am I under his consideration? "She is the one considering",he replies, but when I asked him why and what makes him think so, he said he doesn't know, he doesn't know whether I am the right person to start out with, but he thinks it won't a bad idea if need to spend the rest of his time with me. I started to doubt alot after getting this reply, I didn't wanted it turn out this way honestly, perhaps I am not ready for marriage yet, it just terrifies me. After that incident, I tried to test how much he loves me, th result shows he doesn't love me, maybe a little bit, but I'm the one suits his requirements and just pop up on the right time, this makes his action makes some sense, he didn't really want to start coupleship but he want to enter into marriage directly.

Go closer or stepping back, I'm confused

2.8.2015

自从泰国回来换了电话忘了关上facebook的提示，现在每天都会准时上线。今天上线看到一个我我都差不多忘了的人Isaac，他结婚生宝宝了。严格来说Isaac跟我算不认识的人，不过小的时候他做的事情确实让我觉得很残忍…当时候他跟我另一个闺蜜Chris拍拖同居好几年了，有一天Chris怀孕了，Isaac知道以后第二天就失踪了…我其实挺惊讶他们会以这样的形式分手的，而且当时我确实觉得他这样很过分，把一堆事儿丢给一个小女生去处理，自己跑掉了，大半夜Chris从KL一路开车北上南下的找他…这样的Isaac，我当时觉得可能他只是不喜欢小孩儿不想结婚，看来这些都只因为不够爱她。他还是会结婚生孩子的，只是对象不是她而已。我后来没再跟Chris联系，她后来跟一个很爱她的男人结婚生孩子了，婆家人对她也很好。我每次见到她都想问为什么当初Isaac跟这个男生同时追她的时候她选了Isaac，不过要是没有那段经历估计Chris 不会像现在那样珍惜当下的生活。

Perhaps it is a little bit too dramatic, but it is amazing to have someone pulling you back when you're trying to walk away when he/she is texting someone or receiving text from someone and telling you: " Babe, I'm all yours and I've nothing to be hide from you, feel free to look at my phone or even check my messages." OMG, I guess I'm so in crush now...